Holding On to Hope

It's been nearly two years since Rachael and I had our first orientation meeting that would start us on our adoption journey. The waiting has been quite difficult at times for us both. But life continues on and we've been so busy and have neglected updating our blog. Honestly, it's been hard to say a whole lot because of various circumstances and not much has been happening anyway, but Rachael wrote the following and we wanted to share it with everyone...

 “What’s the latest with your adoption?” It seems like we’re asked that on a daily basis. We smile and say, “We’re still waiting.” But if I were to be completely honest, I’d say I’m losing hope. We both are. Hope that we’ll ever have a child. Just typing that brings on a lot of emotion. Sadness. Frustration. Maybe even a little bit of anger. It’s a daily struggle, and our faith is being tested in ways we really don’t like. Why haven’t we been chosen yet? Why is this taking so long? Why, God?

It doesn’t help that many people in our circle of friends have announced that they are pregnant with their second or third child. It doesn’t help that two of our friends have completed the adoption process for their children within the past month. And I’m over here like, “Lord, I just want ONE!” Now, my friends who are pregnant, please don’t read this and think that I am somehow angry with you, or that I cannot rejoice with you. I am excited and thrilled that the Lord has blessed you with this little life that grows within you, and I love you and pray for you daily. But it’s not always easy. Just being real here.

If I’m going to be really transparent, I will tell you that, in the past 5 months, we have come close to being matched not once, but twice. Normally we don’t know when our profile book is being shown, but in these cases, for a variety of circumstances that I won’t go into now, we knew. And we were so excited. And our hopes were high. And then, both times, we got the, “I’m so sorry, they chose another family,” email. And our hope collapsed beneath us.

Hope is a fragile thing. Job talks about his fragile hope in Job 17. “My spirit is crushed....My eyes are swollen with weeping....My hopes have disappeared. My heart’s desires are broken....Where then is my hope? Can anyone find it?” Yeah. I know how he felt. And yet, through all of this, we still cling to hope. Hope that God will complete this process that He has led us to, and we are confident that He will bring us a child in His perfect timing.

In this time of waiting, God has given me wonderful friends that have reminded me not to abandon hope. Back in July, when we found out that we lost our first placement, we made phone calls to family and friends that had been praying fervently for us. I texted my best friend and “seester,” Colleen, letting her know our news. She texted back immediately, and said, “Check your mailbox.” What? Ok. I went outside and found a package in the mailbox, which included a note of encouragement and a lapel pin in the shape of baby feet. She reminded me that she had worn this pin during both of her pregnancies, and she had given it to another friend as she was going through fertility treatments. She had held onto it for me, but when she wanted to send it when we started our process, she couldn’t find it. And then, in God’s perfect timing, He led her to it, and she sent it to me. I got it at just the time I needed it most. “Hold on to hope!” she reminded me as we cried together over the phone. “God’s got this!”

My friend and teaching buddy, Karen, has also been an encouragement to me in recent weeks, reminding me not to abandon hope. Karen and her husband have 4 children, but between their 3rd and 4th children, they lost a sweet baby boy. In the weeks that followed their loss, Walt gave Karen a necklace of a mother and child, a reminder of the child they lost, but also a reminder not to give up hope. After we received news about our second match, Karen brought me the necklace, saying, “The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. He may have taken this one, but He still has a baby in mind for you. Don’t lose hope.” I wear both of these trinkets almost daily as a constant reminder to hold onto hope.

But more than these trinkets that remind me not to abandon hope, I cling to God’s Word and His promises. The writer of Lamentations speaks to what I am feeling, but also the hope that I cling to: “The thought of my suffering is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh every morning. I say to myself, ‘The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him.’” (Lamentations 3:19-24, NLT) And so, friends, we hold on to hope and cling to His faithfulness as we wait on God’s timing to bring us our child. Thank you for your fervent prayers for us in this time of waiting. We love you all!